The Adventures of Online Dating

 I wrote this a few months ago, but thought you might enjoy it.

I am writing because I don’t know what else to do. Really, I don’t know if I want to get out of bed or go to work.  Breakfast is iffy.  The idea of staying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head is definitely appealing.  I have been reading about writing as I start to stumble and crash my way through to something written on the page that someday might be worth someone reading.  Everyone talks about how hard it is to write, how isolating it is and what it does to your ego.  They have never experienced online dating.  People flip through the profiles looking for one face, one smile that appeals to them.  Then they read the profile, which for my age group usually contains a picture of potential object of my desire standing next to an enormous motorcycle.  Conceding  that an inordinate number of middle age men find their sexual identity boosted by a big machine between their legs, I move onto to what they acutally wrote about themselves and who they think they want.  Their description of a potential mate inevitably includes the phrases : “is equally at home in jeans or dressed up for an evening out on the town’” , “must like to hunt, camp and enjoy an active lifestlye’ and last but by no means least  “someone who takes care of themselves.”  That particular phrase makes my blood boil and red spots form in front of my eyes and if truth be told, I probably foam a little at the mouth.  It is code for size two.  But really… really at a size larger than two, I take care of myself.  The last time I left the house minus my pants and my hair in disarray was in the summertime when I was three and wanted to play in the sprinkler in my diapers.  I pay my bills, I  maintain my car.  I have raised four children.   I make sure there is food in the fridge so neither I nor my dogs go hungry.  Last I checked the house is  not up for a spot on Hoarders.  Oh and also…. I hold down a full time job at which I am in fact very competent. Just say you are shallow and want a Barbie doll, that I can live with, but otherwise the foaming starts.

What men do not realize is that the sexiest part of their profile is if it is written in complete sentences with correctly spelled words and  capital letters in the right place.  Ahh for a man who is literate.  Mrs. Dickinson, my grade 10 English teacher, always said spelling and grammar count.  Well, so did Mr. King, my university grammar professor,  turns out they were right.  Those things combined with absence of dancing pickle emotiocons is a winner every time in my  books. 

Having identified the quarry, now comes the initial parry, an email, because if you wait for a man who can spell to write you might be waiting a very long time.  They are still fixated on women who take care of themselves.  They obviously aren’t aware of my sexy shoe collection,  fabulous jewelry assortment and the gel nails that I invest time and money in each month.  See still foaming.

The first email must be  eye catching,  just the right touch of humour, flattery and specific references to the content of the coherent profile which you have just read.  Usually, I choose not to refer to the giant machine they have been posing against.  It is just too easy.  It must be chatty with just a hint of the physical.  It is important to remember that what sounded hilarious after a bottle of wine with your girlfriend may not be quite as hilarious to someone who has no idea of the context.  In fact, it can come across and just plain creepy or weird.    One poor soul wrote a particularly hilarious profile in which he referred to his love of cheese.   I know, it is already strange, but it was funny at the time. My friend replied.  Her reply started off with the line 

“ I like cheese too. But not the stinky kind, that is wrong on so many levels.”  We thought we were clever and witty but the very funny Scotsman didn’t seem to get it.  He wrote back that he was pursuing a relationship with someone he had met online.    He continues to show up online on a regular basis.  Obviously he really doesn’t have a sense of humour!

No matter how pity and witty the email might be, it takes sending out somewhere between eight and ten to get one reply.   Out of  five replies might come a coffee date.  You see how the work is piling up.  You could make a full time job out of this endeavor, which is not a bad idea.  For the aspiring writer, what better training than writing emails for people who don’t have the skill or time to devote to finding a suitable date.  Charge by the word, not by the response…. Hmm….. possibilities and dollar signs are starting to float in front of my eyes. There ought to be some reward for all this creative effort!

For any writer wanting to hone their writing skills, online dating emails is the way to go. You can try out different personalities,  new story lines and try your hand a creative writing.  Now that may sound a bit callous and cold hearted since we are dealing with people at the other end of the missive.  Just remember,  only one out of ten emails get a response.  An explanation can certainly be offered to the lone  brave soul that is intrigued enough to answer.  Perhaps they will be delighted to meet a true genius who is yet unpublished.  Tell them what a great story they will have when you are famous.  “You know she wrote me once on an online dating site.  I thought she was crazy, but I should have saved the email.”