A few days ago, I phoned one of my best friends for our daily check in. After the usual hellos were exchanged, she asked if I had received my pension letter yet. We are colleagues as well as friends and have worked for the same organizations over the years.
"No," I replied.
"Well," she says "we are never going to be able to retire. They are are upping the contributions and decreasing the benefits. By the time we are ready to draw the pension there will be nothing left. We will barely be able to afford a house to live in."
"Oh, that doesn't sound promising," I answered not sure of where this conversation was heading.
"We will have to buy duplexes side by side," she continued. "Small ones. We can build a connecting door, with a lock, so we won't have to go outside in the winter. We might fall and break a hip and that would be the end of us. The next move will be to the nursing home where we will have to be in four person room. The other two peopl will be men who just shit and fart all the time."
"Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine today? And by the way, I am not going to a nursing home. I would rather live in a cardboard box on the sidewalk,' says I.
"You might have to you know, if things continue like this. I am panicked. Can you tell?"
"Yes. I got that. I was fine until you started talking and now I am panicked, even though the financial planner told me this week that I am not hopeless yet."
"Sorry, but this is our reality. Maybe we should do something drastic when we are eighty-five like rob a bank. It might be better to be in prison instead of the nursing home. We aren't to like where we are anyway."
"I am not robbing a bank! I am not going to the nursing home.! What is wrong with you today?"
"I am just saying our options are limited. We need to do some planning."
"Bank robbery and nursing homes! What on earth was in that letter? Maybe, I will take the fall for you with the bank job. I will throw myself in front of the police and you can make a speedy get away in your walker. Suicide by police, that should take care of me and you are off to the Bahamas with enough money to keep you for the rest of your life, which at this rate will only be two years!"
By this time, we were laughing so hard we could hardly speak. We decided that this plan might need some fine tuning. I don't think this conversation was what the financial planner had in mind when he wanted to talk about retirement planning. Maybe looking at other revenue streams is a better way to go. In the meantime, Thelma and Louise have nothing on us!
ps. I still haven't gotten letter about the pension.
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