why do it?

  Did you ever notice that some weeks have themes?  It can be anything from chocolate to flying pigs or serious subjects like loss or celebration.  You could even title the weeks; ' Frozen Feet' or maybe 'No Rest for the Weary'.   This week I think could be called  'Why  Do It?'  Repeatedly conversations over the last few days have circled around the idea of why we give or do things for others and what expectations are attached to our kindnesses.
     Years ago I read an article in a women's magazine which stated that it was wise to say "I love you"  without expectation of hearing it back.  Love needs to be unconditional.  That idea has embedded itself, an taken root in my psyche.  It has even produced offshoots which are firmly entrenched.   Since I read that statement I have tried to practice saying "I love you" because that is what I feel in the moment.  I have, for the most part, learned not to say it in order to have someone return the favor and relieve my insecurities. If they simply smile or give me hug that is wonderful.  If there is no response, I am fine with that as well.  I say it because it flows out me and comes with no strings attached.   Well, sometimes there maybe a gossamer thread attached. What can I say, I am only human.
    The offshoot of this practice is the practice of generosity and kindness without expectation of thanks.  Once again, practice and more practice is required.  It has taken years and lots of set backs but I am getting into the habit of giving simply to give.   No thanks is expected or needed.  I have been feeling fairly proud of myself about my ability to operate in this manner.  Never a good sign!  Feeling full of myself is a sure sign the Universe will have to get involved and offer a serving of humble pie.  I had a slice this week.
     Over the last few weeks I have spent a number of hours working as an advocate for someone to help get them into subsidised housing.  I have made phone calls,  found out what was needed to complete the application, downloaded forms, made an appointment for the interview and at her additional request accompanied her to the interview.  Fortunately, while we were there she was approved and informed there was an apartment available immediately.  A time was set up for the next day for her to see it.  Great!  Mission accomplished!
     We were walking back to the car when she turned to me and said, " Evelyn (job coach) must have made a phone call.  I am sure that is why I got the apartment."  The joy and celebration fled from my being.  I was the one who had done all the work.  I was the one who had made countless phone calls. I was the one who... the list of what I had done ran through my head.  Thank goodness I had enough sense not to say anything out loud.  I returned the woman to her current residence and headed back to the office.  I was pissed!
     As I was eating my humble pie so graciously supplied by the Universe,  I realized a few things.  Like seeds from the raspberries that get stuck in your teeth, these realizations got stuck in my conscience.   I had made the whole situation about me and it wasn't about me. It was about a woman who needed help negotiating a difficult system to access safe and affordable housing.  The point was that she got what she needed, not who helped her get it.  It didn't matter how I felt.  I did what needed to be done.
     The whole episode raised the question for me again of why we do what we do.  Do we do it for reward or praise?  Do we do it simply because it flows out of us?  Do we care for others because it fills a need in us?  The answers are layered and complex.  However, I think it is a good idea to stop and ponder these questions occasionally.  The exercise puts our motives into perspective and helps us learn a bit more about ourselves.  It helps us become more self-aware and maybe a bit wiser. After all, who couldn't use a bit more wisdom?