Anger

  Anger is never pretty and it is exhausting.  I lost my temper today.  I feel awful, physically awful.  My body is never quite sure what to do with adrenaline  rush that comes with the anger.  It leaves me feeling depleted. 
   I don't lose my temper often.  Crabbiness is part of my make up from time to time, but outright anger is rare.  My boundaries were violated and I got angry.  Part of the anger is at myself for not making the boundaries stronger and clearer from the beginning.  I own that piece.  I also own that I did not behave well.  I didn't say anything hurtful, I simply turned around and left.  I knew if I stayed I would be spiteful and maybe mean.  No one would be served by that display.  I simply left and went into my office until the storm had calmed. It didn't leave, merely lessened intensity. 
    There are lessons for me to learn when the anger flares.  This time it has to do with being clear and firm about what is acceptable and not acceptable in my life, both personal and professional.  I have come a long way over the years with practicing good boundaries and sticking to them.  Maybe I need a refresher course.
    Sometime in the next few days I will apologize and own my behavior. I will also be clear about how life together will proceed with regard to how I am treated. Sounds arrogant doesn't it? What I have discovered, though, is that if I don't exercise good self care everything crumbles.  My goal is to live in right relationships with the people around me.  I have to speak up for myself with kindness and grace, but speak.  As someone famous said, "We teach people how to treat us."  In this case, I have been a poor teacher.  Thankfully, tomorrow is a chance to get back on track.